Solutions are born from knowing the causes. In my son’s case, the more I understand the reasons behind his odd behavior, the better I can handle my situation with him. But most importantly, it might give me hope to find ways to help him overcome his current obstacles, largely due to the way he perceives his life and himself. Sensing that he is suffering inside spurs me to seek ways to eliminate it because, more than anything else in the world, I want to see my child happy.
My newest discovery is that he might have autism. In this condition, a person processes outside stimuli differently than neurotypical people. I am reading a book called “Unmasking Autism” by Devon Price, where the descriptions of autism mirror many traits that my son displays. Of course, autism has many nuanced characteristics – a variety of shades and meanings. Thus, my son may have one form of this condition or a combination of several. Autistic people are often socially awkward, overly detailed, highly sensitive, literal, and even arrogant and rude, and have difficulty understanding people’s emotions. Besides, autism often goes hand in hand with other mental disorders – ADHD, PTSD, Bipolar, Asperger’s, etc. It is not uncommon that Individuals with autistic characteristics are distinguished by high intelligence, which they sometimes can’t put to good use because of their challenges to fit into society.
Thus, as children, individuals on the autism spectrum may be placed in gifted kids’ programs but cannot keep up with the pressures of their expectations of them. The same happened to my son. He had been identified as gifted and, therefore, started taking advanced classes, which he begged me later to quit. Autistic people have a lot of potential but have a hard time utilizing it due to being society’s misfits. They have the capacity to achieve success – as measured by current society – but they cave in under the demands of social norms. Though many try to pretend to be what they are not, it takes its toll on them. They cannot keep up with this load of unrealistic expectations forever. The mask they put on wears off eventually.
Reflecting on my son’s past behavior as a young child and adolescent, I can see the matching characteristics for what places a person on the autism spectrum. He never talked much around other people, overreacted to things, and was either very excited or feeling down. Plus, he was never warm by nature, resembling a prickly cactus. Though he acted polite with strangers, he did not always try to be nice to me, his mom. Even in childhood, he tended to despise authority, which became his prominent characteristic throughout his life. At home, as a teenager still under my care, he was rude and defiant toward me. In high school, he allowed himself to be disrespectful toward his teachers. At his job as a grown man, he sometimes seemed confrontational with his bosses. Jason’s victim mentality tendencies, which I had written about in my first blog, could stem from this psychological condition as well.
I remember that when he was still a child, I occasionally had a fleeting thought for him to see a psychologist. But back then, in the late 90s and early 2000s, seeking mental health services was a major stigma, and I was afraid to complicate things. If he were growing up now, I would not hesitate to take him to a mental health care practitioner.
From the psychological perspective, people displaying alternative ways of behavior can be referenced as neurodiverse versus neurotypical ones who demonstrate a standard behavior. But just because someone deviates from society’s standards doesn’t mean they are a bad human being. They are just different. Oftentimes, trying to fit into society, these people have to work hard to adjust their ways to act like neurotypical individuals, but this puts a huge strain on their well-being. Not being yourself most of the time proves exhausting and not sustainable. For example, autistic people have a difficult time socializing with people for a long time. In this case, we should not impose it on them to stay longer at a party or expect them to chat a lot with coworkers. As long as neurodiverse individuals don’t inflict harm on anyone, let them be who they are.
Society’s biased attitude toward neurodiverse people must stop. As humans, we all search for happiness. But often, we do not allow people who differ from mainstream perceptions to be happy and enjoy life the way they want. People on the autism spectrum should enjoy equal treatment. Their form of disability should not ostracize them from others. We should be a more accepting and less judgmental society and help autistic people feel more welcome among the neurotypical population.
Why can’t we view people who behave differently as a variety of personalities? Just like we observe people of varying appearances without any adverse reaction, we can embrace individuals who are not like us on the inside. It is difficult for autistic people to play a role constantly. Still, here we are, oppressing them with our judgment and lack of empathy. We need to be a more inclusive society.
Some autistics get so skilled at disguising their true nature that we can’t tell them apart from neurotypical people. We consider them highly functioning, but that is only on the surface. Underneath that mask is a hidden real person. Even though they can wear their fake masks for a while, eventually, it backfires. We need to practice a more considerate approach to the autistic population. Of course, the first step is for society to accept their differences and not look at them like they are some kind of weirdos. Second, we must accommodate their needs just like we accommodate people with physical disabilities. For example, we offer handicap ramps for them or wheelchair-accessible bathroom stalls. But how about allowing autistic people, for instance, to work from home wherever it is possible, knowing that they don’t enjoy having small talk or exposure to many people for a prolonged period?
As I am saying these statements, I am also reminding myself to keep tabs on my wanting from Jason the impossible. I need to show him more compassion and not expect what I would expect from a more traditional person. If he can’t live around other people or doesn’t want to have friends or a girlfriend, I should respect that. But at the same time, I don’t wholly condone everything he is doing, such as his inconsiderate and cynical attitude toward me and others. Whether you suffer from some physical or mental disability or disagree with other people, you should remain a decent human being and treat others with dignity. Any source of meanness, whether it comes from disability or character flaw, should not be tolerated. Just like neurotypical people can make an effort to understand neurodiverse individuals, the same goes for neurodiverse people. There is usually a fine line between letting go of your mask and being yourself and misbehaving toward others. No one should harm others, even emotionally, because it still hurts, though it is not a physical pain. Whether he realizes it or not, my son does not treat me well.
Everything positive tends to have negative side effects. As a result of unmasking, an autistic person may feel relieved, but other things may not be so good. As the author of the book “Unmasking Autism” mentions, people with autism often resort to drugs, alcohol, and other addictive habits to ease social anxiety. But then, when they do not feel the need to cover up their true self any longer, and as a result, become clean and stop abusing those substances, they appear more autistic. They curb their addictions since they no longer feel compelled to ease the pressure of having to behave like neurotypical individuals. Though that seems promising, they often stop being around others and even quit their jobs. That’s why to allistic people, meaning neurotypical people, when autistics shed their masks, they seem even more eccentric. But then again, autistics, who have the burden of having to comply with what goes against their nature, feel relieved that they don’t have to pretend and wear themselves out.
Right now, my son has the most pronounced signs of autism, as if he had shed his mask of feigning a regular person. That is probably why he has been neglecting his appearance – he has a long beard, overgrown uncombed hair, and disheveled clothes. His demeanor has no filters – he is not even trying to be polite. But he used to have a neat haircut, wear decent clothes, and shave his facial hair. He used to make an effort to reply to my communication, but it has been over a month since he responded to my phone calls or text messages.
Even though Jason has surrendered to being himself without covering it up, I am not sure he is any happier than he was before. The problem is that he is unaware that he might have any psychological condition. If he knew, perhaps he would stop blaming others, have more compassion toward himself, and not feel inferior about not being like others or not having what others have. Still, there is no guarantee that everyone would cut him slack for not being like them. He still lives in the existing society, and you cannot change the world you live in. It would be a self-defeating and unrealistic goal. Thus, suspecting that he is on the autism spectrum may not immediately help me know how to help him, especially when he himself isn’t seeking any help and ultimately refused to talk to a therapist when I hinted at that several times. Either something in life will inspire him to seek professional help, or he will continue isolating himself from society and his family.
If my son decided to change his life, he could find a community of like-minded people with similar mental wiring, with whom he could feel more himself. That way, he could develop friendships with people who could understand him. He would feel more supported, empowered, and motivated to make his life more fulfilling. Being alone is not good for anyone’s mental state. And the longer it goes on like that, the less it seems he can socialize with anyone. And he doesn’t even seem bothered by the lack of human interaction. He prefers to be by himself. But, as a mom, I know he can’t possibly be happy living entirely apart from other human beings. He doesn’t understand how much better his life could be if he tried to let others into his life. But this is just my opinion. Nothing can be done if the need for change does not come from his heart.
What is still left within my power in this situation? What can I do to comfort myself regarding Jason’s life? I can only hope and continue living in joy despite what appears on the surface. I will continue learning more about autism. Life is an ongoing chain of unsolved problems or disarrayed pieces of puzzles that need assembling. That’s what constitutes life – living in joy while solving life’s ongoing problems.
I think the toughest part is to deliver to the oblivious person the fact about their mental condition. They might take it the wrong way. For example, my son stopped responding after I suggested that he research autism.
My conclusion is that I will let my son be who he wants to be. If he is indeed autistic or has some other mental condition, I will never be able to change it single-handedly. He might not be able to do it either since some psychological conditions are not reversible. However, he may try to work out ways to adapt better to the world that he is in and feel more at home in it. In order to fit in, he may still have to live masking some aspects of his life, which may be very challenging to him, depending on what behavior trait he will want to adjust. It’s the same as we cannot alter our sexual orientation. For example, gay people may act like they are straight. Still, on the core level, they must feel dissatisfied with living unauthentically. Since some inborn traits are deep-seated in autistic people, they may never be able to change certain aspects of their lives. My son might never have friends, a girlfriend, an official job, a family of his own in the future, or a traditional relationship with me, his mom. I must be prepared that he may never want to see me more than once a year. Even worse, over time, he may decide to erase me from his life completely. It is a heartbreaking realization, and it does not comfort me. But there is nothing I can do.
All these years, from his early adolescent years until now, I feel like I have been holding him on a leash. He has always tried to escape, but I kept reeling him in. Difficult as it is for me to accept that I might never have a normal relationship with him, I know I will not be able to pretend when I am around him that I am happy when I know he doesn’t have a job, friends, or plans, or that he never really talks or communicates with me as normal people do. His unkempt appearance and bizarre lifestyle will always drive me crazy. Since he cannot stand me, why should we torture each other by being around each other or pretending who we are not? Maybe this current separation between him and me will be for our mutual good. As I promised myself and other moms with problematic children, I will not let this ruin my life. I can be happy, though with a sad heart. I will remain happy no matter what! That is my solution to what I am experiencing with my son.
